Introverted Extrovert

Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert?

One little question we ask ourselves or get asked whenever we are curious about self discovery.

Our human minds are always seeking things to associate ourselves with whether it have to do with mind, body or soul.

Introvert or Extrovert. A simple 50/50.

Or not.

I don't really believe that people can be 100% anything. We are a beautiful rainbow of traits and characteristics that cannot be copied.

So back to the question.

I'll answer is for myself but first let me tell you a little about me and how I operate.

I find it hard to gather the motivation to purposely place myself in a highly stimulating social setting.

Once I'm out someplace I can play the part of "Happy to be here" and may even enjoy myself but believe me when I say getting home and winding down will probably be one of my favorite parts of the evening.

It's not that I'm antisocial.

I love people! 

Put me one on one with someone and I will talk life for hours. I'll listen and respond accordingly and give encouragement and empathy with all my heart. 

When I ask "What's up?" I mean it. It's not just a friendly greeting. Please, tell me what you are up to. I'd like to know because I care about you. Nothing pains me more than hearing (or reading) the response "Not much." I know I shouldn't take it personally but sometimes I do.

Same goes for "How are you?".

What does it take to convey to people that I genuinely care.

Looking at it from the other end...

How can I trust you to care about me when I answer such a question honestly?

The doubts run through my mind. 

"They just asked how I am and honestly, I'm doing terribly. Today has been the worst and I'm going through a bunch of stuff lately. Would they even care about that?"

So instead we answer,

"I'm good, how are you?"

It's difficult from both ends.

So, instead of going to a gathering and starting a whole bunch of small talk to meet people I stand quietly by and observe the interactions around me, feeling out the personalities and mannerisms of those I am surrounded by at the moment. I then dial down my real personality according to the set standard placed by the attendees. 

Chameleon status reached.

Am I an Introvert or an Extrovert?

I am both. 

No doubt my scale leans towards the "Introvert" end these days but those who know me are well aware of a crazy and wild side I enjoy showing when I feel completely at ease.

The truth is...

I am quite decidedly an introverted extrovert.

I will stay inside my head until proven that it's safe to come out and be myself.

I do believe a lot of people can relate to this. Unfortunately society has set standards and although they tell you it's okay to just be you what they're really saying is," Be yourself as long as you are like this."

That is so freaking hard. Trying to have my personality fit society's standards burns me out. Nobody should have to dial down what beautifully unique personality they have to become accepted.

We all have to get to a place where we are comfortable showing people who we really are.

And I know it's hard. Trust me. I don't think I'll be changing drastically anytime soon. It's definitely something I aspire to though!

And know this. I wrote this for myself and if it applies to you GREAT! If not, at least you'll know a little bit about how my personality type seems to operate.

Thanks for reading :)

Adulthood? You're not welcome here.

I can't tell you how many times over the years in grade school that I wished for a life that consisted of ANYTHING other than school. Day in, Day out. You see, I was homeschooled so it's work at your own pace. Unfortunately, being the natural procrastinator I have always been, school was rarely only a few hours and many things would just continue to be carried over for days and weeks.

So many years of grade school.

And yet...

I am now employed full time. 9-5.

Why?

I took a semester off college to figure out what I want to do exactly. Which I have successfully done.

This time off has made me realize something very important.

I miss it!

There. I said it, Mom.

I miss school.

Wasn't sure that would ever be possible.

It's just no fun to be that one stick in the mud of a new found adult life while your friends are off at different universities meeting new people, doing new things, and progressing towards a degree.

It's hard.

I'm definitely gaining real life experience which, let's face it, college doesn't really give you. This has helped me in determining the route I plan to take for college, and although it's nothing spectacular it will give me what I will need in a career in the future to support myself.

And NO STUDENT LOANS.

That really is one of the most important things to me.

What will I be doing? Well, in February I begin a 5 month program to become a certified Esthetician.

(a.k.a. Facials specialist)

Pretty much all things facial beauty.

It will be a small night class consisting of 14 people that will meet 3 nights a week. If I'm lucky maybe there will be a gay guy to keep things interesting.

Now, I'm getting that certification just because I want it, not necessarily because I think i'll be able to make a lot of money with it.

My real degree starts this Fall. It's a two year degree for Opticianry.

Opticianry
n. 
The professional practice of filling prescriptions for ophthalmic lenses, dispensing eyeglasses, and fitting contact lenses.
(Dictionary.com)

In other words, it's in the medical field so it will always be needed but it doesn't actually involve me doing anything doctor-y. It's all technical basically.

One thing I keep asking myself, however...

How did I get here?

I find myself making the big decisions by myself. Part of that was necessity but part of it was also maturity and growth.

I feel like I'm somewhere that I don't belong. Like I'm still supposed to be dressing up like a princess and torturing my brother when he's stuck babysitting me.

A part of every single person in the world is still a child and I want that to always be true. 

As our minds and bodies mature and gather understanding and wisdom our hearts still hold onto the small child that just wants to wear their heart on their sleeve and play to their heart's content. We desire the innocence we have already lost. 

With adulthood comes responsibility upon responsibility and I realize that we tend to lose sight of the small things we were so sensitive to as children.

Kindness.

What if you greeted the adults you see like you greet a small child. Not in a patronizing way just full of genuine care. 

"Good morning! Wow your dress is so lovely today, is that new?"

"Hey, thank you so much for bringing those papers to me! That was so helpful."

"That was so nice what you did for that other person just now, you are very kind."

I have found it can be harder to get a friendly greeting from a busy adult than from an introverted highschooler. 

So no. Adulthood is not welcome here.

Maturity and kindness, yes. But adulthood? Nope. You can keep your grouchy, selfish self away from me :)

K thanks.