Just keep swimming

Do you ever look at your life and try to see it from the perspective of your younger self?

Mainly because you remember how you used to look at people your age and how much awe and respect you had for them... So old and mature.

Is that really where you are? You don't feel any different...

One minute you're 8 years old looking up at the twenty somethings then BAM everything is happening so fast!

College, career, marriage, babies... (or any combination and not necessarily in that order).

When I asked my grandmother (who is in her late 80s) when she started noticing that she was aging she responded that it wasn't until her husband, my grandfather, died a few years ago. 

That baffles me. 

In some way or another we stay young inside, unaware that time has passed and changed us (physically, mentally, emotionally).

We forget that we ever didn't know how to function as adults (but be aware that I use the term "function" loosely).

Let's face it, "adulting" didn't become a thing because it's easy.

Think for a second, though.

Can you really believe how far you have come? Just look at you! Succeeding and stuff. You rock.

You have made it this far, really you can do whatever you put your mind to. Sure, there are learning curves, monetary barriers, relationship troubles, and other things that make life more difficult. But haven't you made it this far?

The past may not be pretty but it IS in the past. Over. Done with.

Look to the future. 

Improvement and success don't have to happen immediately. It took your whole life to get where you are today and you're not done yet.

Just like when you were a kid imagining what it would be like to be where you are today, someday you'll think back to where you are now.

Be proud; if not of the success you've already had, of the success you will have.

Perfectionism: The Secret Monster

Perfectionism. It's blessing and a curse.

Mostly a curse.

I am finding it slowly creeping into all the crevices of my life. It's perfectly painted finger nails digging into my brain and sending impulses to nit pick at everything.

I have discovered that my need for perfection is creating an obsession with contingency plans for all possible scenarios. Unfortunately, this makes me feel like I need to plan for everything that could go wrong before I can do anything at all.

I need to loosen up. I'm starting to feel like a real stick in the mud.

I especially can't handle when plans change and I didn't make any plans for it. 

Two words.

Worst. Nightmare.

My brain scrambles to reassess the new situation and go through the entire process that I had taken at least a week to think through before.

I can no longer register emotion on my face because my brain can only do so much at once. For the next 5-10 minutes I'm stuck with only responding in "okay"s and "no, yeah, I'm fine with that"s.

Lies.

I'm not fine with it.

I need notice!

Planning isn't the only area of my life that perfection's perfect teeth have smiled over.

School has also felt the effects. 

You may be thinking, "School? Well isn't perfectionism good to have when in school and trying to do well?" Not really. In fact, it makes doing well an ultimatum. 

Either I do it perfectly, or not at all. 

Very quickly perfectionism turns into the looming monster of procrastination.

Of course my brain reasons that if I save something for the last second then my only option is to finish it without obsessing over it being perfect. Then, ultimately, it saves time.

Unfortunately it doesn't save stress. I got stress to spare because of how close I cut it to my deadlines. 

Perfectionism has put me under so much stress that my trust in other people is tainted too; in a "no offense but I've thought about this much more than you" sort of way. 

So here it is. My confession. 

"Hi, my name is Joy, and I'm addicted to perfection." But 2018 is my year, and I'm going cold turkey...

Okay so probably not cold turkey, but I want to learn how to roll with the punches, submit assignments in a timely manner without obsessing, and trust other people to make decisions without questioning them.

Is that so much to ask? 

By the way, as my first act of non-perfectionism, I'm submitting this post without re-reading it over three times. Look at me go!

"Senioritis"

Seniors.

Highschool, college, or the kind with dentures, all have the same look behind their eyes.

Done with trying too hard and kinda bored.

I am in my senior year at college and I feel it, I see it, I could recognize it anywhere.

I look at the freshmen, their bright eyes and anticipation, down my nose but with just a smidge of jealousy.

They are so put together. They plan their outfits, shower in the morning, put on makeup, maybe even do their assigned reading.

How?

I wash my hair twice a week at most. Not to be gross, but dry shampoo is my savior, and baby, I'm a believer.

I used to wing my eyeliner every day my first year in college. Every day. People ask me now how I'm so good at it and I just look back at how many makeup wipes I went through and how early I had to wake up... Think about how many times I could have hit the 'Snooze'... (sigh)

Now, I'm lucky if I put on mascara yesterday cause at least I'll have some leftover for today.

On the scholastic side of things I've declined too. I'm not worse off but I definitely don't try so hard.

I used to do the whole thing: notes, colored highlighters, sticky notes, reading...

Now, "studying" means maybe skimming the chapter, or googling someone else's quizlet to look over on the drive to school the morning of the test.

Outfits have transitioned from blouses or dresses with coordinating jewelry to t-shirts and jeans or leggings. One school day of freshman year past I even wore heels. Woah.

Of course there are other factors that contribute to indifference as we transition out of these phases of our lives.

I have found myself in a serious relationship and already know, or know of, most people at my small, private university. There aren't many people I care to make a certain impression on anymore in my school environment.

I also value sleep a lot more than beauty these days. Although I could say that valuing sleep is, in it's own way, valuing beauty... sorta. (beauty sleep? is that really a thing? I never manage to wake up more beautiful than how I went to sleep)

So maybe seniors are too complacent about how much we don't care anymore. Maybe freshmen try too hard. Maybe it's not a problem just a phase of life. Whatever it is, I'm not gonna worry too much.

Senior year is usually only that. Just a year. Then on to our next adventure.

Let's go around and introduce ourselves!

It's the same every semester in a new class with new people.

"Let's go around the room and everyone introduce yourself, tell us your major, and one other fact about yourself."

The statement that makes just about every college student roll their eyes into the back of their brain and start to scrape the barrel for an appropriate fact.

It's the conundrum of trying to not sound like everyone else. Not everyone can say they like to binge Netflix. That get's a little old after the second and third person. You can't say you like to get out in nature because the girl a couple people ahead of you just said that. You can't say you enjoy nights on the town drinking because... well, you probably could, but I can't cause I'm at a Christian college that would frown on me for this popular pastime.

*Side story: I once got a giant wine glass as a secret Santa gift and my professor just about passed out over it.*

Don't sound too much like other people, but also don't sound super different from everyone else or you might get labeled.

Geez, we can't leave these worries in the past, even if we mature. Our brain still worries about them if we're trying to make some sort of impression (but not too much of an impression).

Well, I'm generalizing, but my brain definitely overthinks it.

In my mind, an impression is all we have. It's not so much who we really are inside, it's how we are perceived and how we present ourselves to form this perception.

On the bright side, we can be transparent and have ourselves perceived how we are on the inside, but that is a vulnerable position to take. If we are judged on how we form the perception of ourselves to others then we don't have to take so much offense since we can tell ourselves, "well, they just didn't really know me."

But really, whose fault is that?

In contrast, if we are transparent and judged for who we really are, the sting is much worse. We may begin to doubt our character and qualities.

To be honest, in some cases, we probably should. But this is not true for all cases of judgement by any means.

Sometimes people judge merely because they are self-conscious of their own shortcomings. So even if we are judged when being honest and transparent about presenting ourselves we should not let that stop us from doing so.

As opposed to changing how we are perceived, perhaps consider changing how you actually are if you are so concerned about it.

Afraid people think you're a bitch? Maybe stop being a bitch. Stop word vomiting and consider what you say before you say it.

This applies to men too. Don't be a jerk. Show some chivalry once in a while and remember your "please" and "thank you"s.

I digress; Now back to the classroom. I understand the feeling you may get when being called on to answer those simple introduction questions.

Do I even do anything? My hobbies really are naps and Netflix...  As a student I don't have much time (or more importantly, money) to do anything else.

My solution?


I don't have one. But don't underestimate yourself (or your creative power) ;) Not that I'm telling you to make it up or anything...